Christmas festivities and fiascos 2018

January 24, 2019

Dear Noah and Dylan,

It's a new year! I don't think I have seen you since Christmas Eve at your dad's. We went to Uncle Don's December 15 for their annual Christmas on the Cliff. Things got started really late and by the time dinner was ready, I was ready for bed. We had planned to spend the night but Holly and her new boyfriend were assigned the guest bedroom and Uncle Joe and I were supposed to sleep on the murphy bed in the bar. But all the festivities were being held there since it's been beautifully renovated and was set up for Christmas with the tree, presents (lots of them including tons of birthday gifts for Holly since we always celebrate her Dec 20 birthday at Christmas.) and Uncle Don's game board, ready to go. I look forward to playing the games every year, but since I've become a crotchety old lady (60) (ha ha) I am even less of a night owl than I ever was. And Uncle Don, Auntie Kim and Holly are all night owls, love to drink and party, and it is not my thing, AT ALL. 😒When Grandpa Kudym was alive, the event was so much more fun (for me at least) because we would play the games earlier and Kim's parents would participate as well. We really had some good times.  But now Kim's mom is not well and can barely sit up to eat a bite of food and I have been through the wringer with chemo now three times with three different bouts of Ovarian Cancer in less than three years. I don't look like I'm any worse for the wear but by the time 8pm arrives, I am ready to go to bed. This year, I was especially tired since I had to have a CT scan at 8 in the morning so we figured we'd drive straight to Plymouth from MGH Danvers and have lunch at a mall in Plymouth, do a little shopping until doors at Don and Kim's opened at 2pm. We arrived at Uncle Don's about the same time you and your dad arrived, ready for a fun time but we sat at the bar and waited for Holly and Ryan to show up two and a half hours later. I was bullshit since we made an effort to be there at exactly 2. After dinner, I asked Uncle Joe if we could just go home. I hated to miss out on the games, but it was already 8pm by the time we finished dinner. We sat at the table with Kim's parents and your dad and Uncle Don, Auntie Kim sat at counter with Holly and her boyfriend, and you three boys got sent to the bar with your mac n' cheese while the adults had enchiladas. Being separated for Christmas dinner sucked, at least for me, but certainly the food was delicious. Kim's parents are very nice although they were on a bit of a racist rant at dinner. Uncle Joe and I kept our lips sealed. My stomach was starting to gurgle since I had to drink two bottles of the barium for the CT scan. I knew it would be a long night trying to flush it out of my system and not being able to go to bed. (Everyone stayed up until about 2am)
So, why am I telling you all this? Just the preamble so you understand why Uncle Don and I had a falling out. I sent him a text a day or two after the party asking him to call so we could talk. I was upset about how the party went and that he had given the guest bedroom to Holly and no consideration had been given to me and Uncle Joe despite the new plans to have the party in our sleeping quarters. Anyway, the text started WW III with your uncle who took it very personally, much as I predicted, but instead of calling me to talk, he drafted a fifteen paragraph defensive letter going on about my critical comments and chastising me for choosing the day of the party to have my CT scan and then not informing him that I would have "special needs" but most of all chastising me for ruining his Christmas with my inflammatory text. In fact, he was so upset, he was going to hit send on the email and not think about it until after the holidays so he could enjoy them. That WAS my holiday, and it sucked! But his idea of the holiday is what he does with Kim's family. Uncle Joe, you boys and my brothers ARE my family, but I was ruining HIS Christmas. The fact that he was putting me on the shelf on top of my building disgust over the last couple of years of his lack of empathy for what I'd been through reinforced my feelings of unimportance to him, something I have dealt with for decades. I keep trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
    I love both your Uncle Don and your dad very much but I am now forced to protect myself and create some serious emotional distance between them, to stop expecting so much from them, as I have always felt like someone chasing boyfriends that just aren't all that interested. I chased them both all last year, planning family events to spend time together, a January weekend at East Hill Farm in NH, a Fathers' Day picnic at Bartlet Mall to honor Grandpa Kudym's memorial tree, invited them both to our rental in Rangeley Lake (Don and Kim came for a couple of days but your dad chose to take you on vacation to someone else's rental which was SO disappointing to me. I so looked forward having you stay with us and riding on Susan and Richard's pontoon boat!) and then Columbus Day weekend in Stowe, VT where I paid for everyone's rooms in celebration of my 60th birthday. We all had great fun, but one common denominator was my still feeling undervalued by both brothers, Kim and Holly. Kim and Holly chat it up like a couple of high school girls at these get togethers excluding me and Grandma Chris. Neither one seems to have an inkling of curiosity about me or Joe, and show zippo signs of compassion for my insane plight with cancer and fractured knee, not a fucking card, or phone call from either of them in three years. THAT is not family to me. Your dad is not any better in that department. I told your Uncle Don that if either one of them got sick, I would be up their asses, calling all the time to check on them. Uncle Don still hasn't asked me how the CT scan came out. Jesus Christ, how can you be so freaking self-absorbed?
   This year's Christmas did improve when we went to your dad's house for lobsters and clams, our biannual tradition on Christmas Eve, and guess who came this year? Your mom! With all the trouble she has had with Adam, I guess she has realized your dad is not an enemy. We all welcomed her with open arms and enjoyed little Emily. The two of you boys are so sweet with her! It is nice to see. I hope you will enjoy watching her changes as she grows as I did watching the two of you.  The other day I was cleaning out a drawer and came across copies of the "report cards" I sent to your mom and dad via email detailing our Tuesdays and Thursdays together in 2011, one of the best years of my life! You two were so adorable, not that you're not now, of course, but omg, i had forgotten about some of the things we did together like the picnic on top of Old Town Hill. I am going to try to take pictures of each report and insert them into the journal, in the closest entries to those dates, rather than retype them all and then I'll mail them to you both.
   Your dad called me a couple of days ago on his way to pick you up saying he would like to plan to get together to play cards. I asked him to send me some dates he is available and we can plan something. I haven't heard from him since. He has difficulty making plans in advance. So, I'll see you when I see you. I am dying to teach you how to play whist, and then bridge, but in the meantime, I've signed on with Triton Middle School to teach beginning bridge starting late February. I am so excited! I hope enough kids sign up to run the class.
   The two of you have had a lot of turmoil in your life with nonsense between your mom and Adam over Emily since he is now with a new girlfriend from Germany, just married her so she could get her green card, and divorce papers still hot off the press! Your mom is having a really hard time with it. She never had to deal with another woman before with either Nick's dad or your dad. (as much as your dad has tried, lol!) Adam succeeded in getting a restraining order on your mom, for an entire year. Your dad testified in court on behalf of your mom and he was the only one there for her. Ryan had his whole family, ex-girlfreind (mother of Kelsey) and new girlfriend. A Jerry Springer Show episode, for sure. The Ryan family has a lot of influence in Haverhill between politicians and law enforcement. The judge reprimanded them both and told them to get along for the sake of Emily. I hope that can happen! It will take some time. I don't know what the outcome of the custody battle was or will be.
    Well, I am hoping we get to see you guys soon! As far as Christmas, i think next year we will not go to Plymouth. It is just too long a drive to go down and back the same day. It would be different if it were a daytime event which I had hoped to talk to Uncle Don about but he still hasn't called despite my apology note for making him feel bad. (even though I was trying to explain to him why I felt bad, which was an unsuccessful, futile effort on my part) I guess the three of us Kudym siblings are wounded puppies expecting the others to take care of us and it just ain't happening. Instead, I would like to plan a separate event here with you and your dad, maybe one of the days of Christmas vacation so we can exchange gifts then, and Grandma Chris would hopefully come too. Or maybe we can go to your house. It doesn't have to be Christmas Eve. We'll see how it turns out. Hopefully, I'll be still in good shape keeping this cancer at bay for longer this time.
   I love you both. Life ain't always a bowl of cherries as your great grandfather used to say! I loved him so much!

love always, Auntie Kim